“People are most likely to violate boundaries with those they believe will never abandon them.”
→ Bowen, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (1978)
Some people around us display behaviors toward us that they would never show to others. They may be reserved with strangers but overly talkative with us. This situation, often described as “a lion at home, a mouse abroad,” is commonly known as a safe-space outburst. In environments perceived as low-risk, individuals are more inclined to push limits. However, these limits are not always as wide as the other party assumes.
Example of a Safe-space Outburst
During his most recent meeting with his siblings, Ali makes jokes that he would never dare to make toward others. These jokes go beyond humor and turn into harsh criticism. He expects behaviors that would infuriate him if directed at himself to be met calmly by his siblings. By making an in-group vs. out-group distinction, he becomes disrespectful, trusting in emotional closeness; he assumes the bond will not break and thus unknowingly commits emotional boundary violations.
At the same time, Ali is a completely different person outside the home. When interacting with coworkers, he wears a social mask: he is measured, polite, and careful not to offend anyone. As a result, while Ali manages to behave properly in society, he experiences the contradiction of treating those he loves the most the worst—specifically, his siblings.
“Where respect diminishes, it is often not love that exists, but the absence of consequences.”
→ Bandura, Moral Disengagement
Causes of the Safe-space Outburst
Ali’s behavior is the result of a complex combination of psychological mechanisms. In the outside world, he adapts to his environment like a social chameleon in order to gain acceptance and protect his social status, performing a “perfect” character driven by a strong need for approval. However, the intense self-control he maintains throughout the day gives way to a safe-space outburst once he returns home. This happens because Ali knows his family and siblings will accept him unconditionally, so he completely lowers his emotional filters.
“A person truly exists for others only when they define their own boundaries.”
— Viktor Frankl
The Foundations of the Outburst and the “Lion” Within
Because Ali cannot express the stress and suppressed anger he experiences at school or in social settings toward their actual sources, he uses the defense mechanism of displacement, redirecting this negative energy toward his sibling. When this is combined with chronic sibling rivalry—stemming from having to share limited parental attention—Ali becomes an aggressive “lion” at home, while maintaining an exceptionally gentle “mouse” persona toward strangers.
Ali’s nervous system reaches a sense of safety within the comfort of home after facing perceived threats all day. Like a child entering a sandbox under parental supervision, he begins to behave impulsively through trial and error. After being constrained by rules and social norms outside, he suddenly enters a comfort zone. Shifting from survival mode back to childhood, he does not hesitate to disrupt his environment.
What Should Be Done?
Setting boundaries with people who do not recognize limits may upset them in the short term, but it contributes to greater happiness in the long run. Although safe space allow for greater freedom of movement, adult life in particular requires consistent behavioral standards. Rather than focusing on preventing others from feeling upset, attention should be directed toward what behavior is appropriate. A parent who guides a person back to standards provides long-term well-being rather than momentary comfort.
If friends, relatives, or other members of one’s inner circle become resentful when boundaries are set, then perhaps they were never truly part of that inner circle. Why should only one side always be the one to give? Individuals who tolerate careless behavior from others are entitled to demand that others tolerate their boundaries as well.
“Every human being must be respected as an end in themselves, and never merely as a means to serve an external purpose; to do otherwise is to commit an offense against the dignity inherent in being human.”
— Immanuel Kant
